Self Indulgence - Polyamory

I realize blogs are mostly about sharing information, wisdom, humor, and other thoughts with the world. The problem is, I'm a person that runs on emotion, and so once in awhile I'm going to babble about things that very few people want to read, unless they want a window into how I think and feel. Even still, this is less an information post and more an expression post, so please bear with me. ;)

So, as stated before in my introductory post, I identify as polyamorous. It's been an interesting road to reaching that conclusion, unfortunately with a lot of stuffing myself into relationships that ultimately failed because I felt so trapped and unhappy.

And then came Jak. (By the way, pretty much anyone I name in this blog will be referred to by their World of Warcraft character names. Just makes things easier and safer, yes? Right-o!)

I met Jak on World of Warcraft. We were in the same guild together for a year or two before we discovered we felt the same way about each other, and I ended up moving across the country to be with him. Man, it sounds so simple boiled down into one sentence like that, hah! In any case, once I was with him, things fell into place. He's an amazing guy, reliable, trustworthy, sweet, and full of love. But he's wonderful for a reason I wouldn't have expected, too: he lets me be myself. It seems like such a simple thing, I know, and I really didn't know the difference till I was with him, but I feel... free now. No more being trapped, no more feeling like my partner is someone I can't trust with my innermost thoughts and secrets.

I love him so much because he doesn't judge me for being different than most people we know. Being polyamorous wasn't even in my mind when we first entered our relationship, but as we grew together, learned about each other and gained such a strong foundation of trust for each other, we not only grew into our relationship, but outside of it as well.

Love is precious. Sharing love, such a positive and uplifting emotional connection with someone else, shouldn't be such a horrible taboo. This is of course with the condition that it's open and honest with all parties involved, of course... going behind your partner's back about anything is a recipe for disaster and crumbles the foundation of trust, which means ultimately the relationship may fail.

In any case, expressing to Jak that I was interested in the idea of being in a relationship with someone else as well was hard at first. As easygoing and open and outgoing as I seem, it takes a lot for me to directly tell someone about my inner thoughts, hopes, dreams, and philosophies. I've met with my share of judgment for being myself (sometimes with the very people I'd grown to trust so much and thought I could tell without fear. Obviously my trust was misplaced). And so, cringing and scared, I told him how I felt, half-expecting to be shot down and criticized, since that's all past experience had ever shown me when it came to other people.

I think our bond grew even stronger with that conversation. I realized I could tell Jak things without being criticized harshly or judged, and he was open to the idea of our relationship taking on a new form. He trusts me, and this trust in me only makes me want to prove how trustworthy I am. It's a positive cycle!

While I don't necessarily need someone else besides Jak to be happy, there is a part of me that wishes to share myself with someone else. I don't feel like I fit in the traditional "man and woman meet, fall in love, get married, and have kids" mold. It doesn't feel good or right to me to be stuffed into someone else's idea of what a relationship is.

So the trick, really, has been finding someone else that gives me that feeling that Jak does... that feeling that I can be myself around them without fear of being seen as a freak. I've had a few relationships now while with Jak at this point. The first two were girls, and after those experiences, I think I've discovered that while I adore the female body, and can be very good friends with girls, I'm not sure I'd ever do well in a relationship with another girl. As selfish as it sounds, I think my own girl-crazy is about as much as I can stand on a daily basis. ;D

But I do ask a lot of a potential partner, male or female. For one, polyamory is a tough thing for the uninitiated to grasp when there's so much stigma attached to any relationship that isn't just one man and one woman. Having your "one and only" be also someone else's "one and only" takes a lot of trust and communication for an established relationship, nevermind a brand new one. I'm also in not the best health, so I don't work a normal job, I'm stubborn, I'm lazy, and I do go crazy sometimes (it's the estrogen, I swear). Despite all that, though, I found myself extremely lucky recently.

Meeting Zaelo, my second boyfriend as of a few weeks ago, was completely accidental. It was a case of very randomly meeting someone in WoW and discovering we had more in common than we had originally thought. When I say "in common," I don't really mean books, music, and television shows, though our interests do intersect a lot in those areas. We're both emotional people, need reassurance sometimes, and have a lot of desire to make our partner(s) happy. This is the same with Jak, too, and it may be why I grew attached to Zaelo so fast... he makes me feel like Jak makes me feel -- happy, emotionally fulfilled, wanted, and needed. It's like all those "negative" points against me don't matter... Zaelo's willing to be with me anyway, and he tells me all the time how much he loves me. I feel confident and happy, and like I don't have to be scared of everyone else's opinions anymore. Jak loves me, and Zaelo loves me, and they both put me on a pedestal (or make me feel like I am!). Who else matters?

I haven't yet met Zaelo in real life. He lives in another country, so hopping over to visit takes more planning, but I'm confident that things will work out when we do finally meet. He really is awesome and I'm so excited to be with him! Our next step after that will be figuring out how to make things work in real life. It will be difficult since we have a border separating us, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

So far, things have gone very well. Jak has been nothing but supportive and sweet, and, while cautious (since this is his first experience with polyamory, both hearing about it and experiencing it), Zaelo is also handling it well, and the situation of sharing me hasn't scared him off yet. ;) Time will tell if things last, but so far it's going smoothly. I'm very grateful to both of them for allowing me to do what feels right to me, even if it's very different for them. I love my boys. <3

So, that's my relationship status in a nutshell. I'm happier than I have been in a long time. :D It feels good to finally be in a state where I can figure out what's going on in my head.

Love is beautiful. <3

Blue Pixel Heart: An Introduction

Odd name for a blog, don't you think? Blue Pixel Heart... what could that mean?

Simply, it's me. Less simply... well, that will take some explanation.

Who am I? Well, you can call me Ket. It's short for Ketisai, the name of my World of Warcraft character. That's right, I'm a WoW player. I also run a Horde guild called Likes Shiny Things on the Vek'nilash server (as well as our Alliance sister guild, Shinylicious). I've learned a lot while running my own guild. Despite the fact that everything is simply pixels, the people behind the characters in my guild are real, and there is a lot of interesting interaction that goes on between people online, no matter what game or site they're using.

But I digress.

So, we've established I'm a gamer girl. Another major aspect of my life is that I'm polyamorous. If you haven't heard of it yet, it means that I don't believe love is a limited resource. Currently I have a romantic relationship going with two amazing guys, one of whom I'm living with. The other... well, we're working on it. ;D Yes, they both know about each other.

Do I sound weird enough yet? And what do these things have to do with each other?

Well, let's put it this way: Blue Pixel Heart is about online interaction, love, friendship, and understanding that online relationships (be they romantic or platonic) are no less real than ones you have with people face to face. It's also about gaming and having far too much time on my hands.

So welcome to Blue Pixel Heart! Don't forget to give someone a hug that needs it today, even if it's an emoted hug. <3

*hugs you all!* :D